May 032016

The Beard Update

There is one thing that Update 31 has in greater quantity than anything.

Not new quests.

Not new monsters.

Not new systems.

Not even bug fixes.

Beards. This is the update where humans and gnomes get extra beardy. I am not sure how many new beards we are getting, or why, or any of that. All I know is that there are more new beards than anything else in the update.

Why beards? And for that matter, why has American society in general gone in such a hirsute direction? I remain mystified with the whole thing. I guess I can see how a well-managed beard can look interesting, and help someone stand out from the crowd. Except no, because now the entire crowd is bearded too and you are just conforming. Besides, they are almost never well-managed. Not a fashion statement at all but rather a shaggy refusal to shave, a simple outgrowth of laziness, bearing all the attractiveness of a clump of seaweed, or a well used but poorly maintained dust mop.

But I digress. This is not about chin-borne bacteria traps in general, but specifically limited to those in DDO. Which do not trap bacteria since they are animated pixels and not real at all.

Humans and Gnomes are now both up to 24 different beards. Poor dwarves, those who you would think are the king of the beards, no, they are limited to a measly 14 different styles. Although one of their options is the largest and bushiest of the entire bunch.

Don’t take my word for it; let’s have a look.

Here are the 24 gnomic beard variants currently available on the Update 31 Lamannia preview:

Gnome Beards

And here are the 24 human beard variants:

Gnome Beards

Just for comparison, here are the 14 dwarven beards:

Dwarf Beards

Poor dwarves. Even the half-orcs have more choices, although you will have to take my word for that because I forget to animate their options too. None of the other races have any sort of beards worth discussing, even if you count the half-elves who instead of beards offer a variety of choices of colored stubble.

Now that I’ve seen the half-elves, the other choices maybe don’t look so bad. Barely gross and disgusting at all, nearly achieving a mild but hairy unpleasantness.

I still wouldn’t get too close. Perhaps they trap animated pixel bacteria.

๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ™‚

  7 Responses to “Update 31: The Beard Update”

Comments (7)
  1. I see you are a beardist!

    As for not shaving, when you’ve had to shave every day for a job (and for those extra hairy types, more than once), it’s nice not to shave ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’m also pretty sure it’s not just American society that had come full circle in facial adornment, back to the mighty beard (on that note, one of the most famous American beards was a Mr Lincoln)!

    More scary, is the return of ’80s fashion ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

  2. Update 31: Hipster Invasion. There will be a hotfix to turn the Wayward Lobster into a micro-brewery and hipster hangout. The melodic sounds of minstrels will be replaced by Arcade Fire on a loop, all food will be freshly prepared from ingredients purchased exclusively from Khorvaire Whole Foods, ridiculously overpriced, with the finest gnomic scribes to hand-write the menu extolling the fulfilled and happy life of the carrots who sacrificed themselves for your salad, A further hotfix will include a range of tattoos, elaborate ear hoops and checked flannel shirts worn by everyday workmen, which is as close as many hipster adventurers will ever get to doing a real day’s work. The Hipster Invasion will herald an era of nostalgic retro themes, which hopefully will include lag being returned to the days where we had “Modules” instead of “Updates”. So not all bad news ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

    It is a really obscure number, you probably won’t have heard of it….

  4. I always wore a waist length beard until I went bald on top. Now I love the clean feeling of a good shave, still miss my beard a little though.

What do you think?

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