Mar 302015

The Trap That Could Not Be Resisted
[A dark narrator intones in solemn narrative, cigarette smoke twisting and winding before him]

Imagine if you will a quest. Much like many quests, spacious corridors connect capacious chambers, peril lurking behind every decorative pillar and niche.

Now add to your mental imaginings a pair of hirelings. Healers by label, one would expect a quiet service of following, punctuated more frequently by the calming influence of a cure spell, less frequently by the staccato burst of an inappropriately timed attack.

One would expect.

But not in this world, for this world is a tangle of random hireling behavior; an inexplicable smorgasbord of unwanted sprints and spellcasts, a world where each hireling is free to do exactly as it pleases, its pleasure rarely, if ever, coinciding with player wishes, or benefit.

[Music swells. We see a large hallway, very long, very wide, and completely unimpeded by interruption or obstacle]

Miranda: Oh Lani, thank the gods we are in such a spectacularly large dungeon! Look how wide the corridors are! Why, I could run back and forth from wall to wall for days!

Lani: How right you are Miranda! Especially for one of my smallish halfling stature. I feel like a tiny, tiny point on the endless plane of these floors! So big! So wide! So unencumbered by obstacle or interruption!

[in the distance, we see Yazdia, the halfling on point, surrounded by bad guys in a large room. Mawry, Lani and Miranda remain behind in the very large hallway. Mawry begins furiously firing arrows.]

Miranda: My player is damaged. Perhaps I should Cure her? I am in a quandary Lani, sorely tempted by the desire to run off in some random direction. Also, I find myself strangely attracted by the thought of joining the melee, or perhaps flinging a Nimbus of Light?

Lani: Oh I know, Miranda, part of me would like to cure Yazdia too! But don’t worry, it is a very small part, and easily ignored.

[with a sudden and unexpected CLANK a small set of spears begins spearing upwards through a very small and easily avoided section of the floor]

Irresistable Trap cannot be resisted

Miranda: Oh my! (visibly excited) Lani, a trap! Right in front of me! Taking up hardly any of the floor at all! I should probably go around it, right?

Lani: Yes, go around. Look how small that trap is. It would be embarrassing if you ran directly into it, wouldn’t it?

[Miranda does not even hesitate, charging directly into the center of the tiny trap and standing there until repeated spearings do her in.]

Irresistable Trap cannot be resisted

Lani: Miranda! What have you done? You ran right into the center of that tiny, easily avoided trap, and stood there until it killed you!

Miranda’s Soulstone: I know! Wasn’t it glorious?!

Lani: But you died! Completely uselessly! Even more uselessly than the ways we normally die!

Miranda’s Soulstone: I know! Wasn’t it glorious?!

[Lani, who had been standing safely out of trap range, seems torn, but only for a microsecond. She charges into the center of the tiny, easily avoidable trap, and stands there while repeatedly being stabbed, making no effort to heal herself or move out of the trap, until she too is killed]

Irresistable Trap cannot be resisted

[The camera pans and pulls backward, showing just how large the corridor is and how small the trap is. It is truly tiny; a dime on a dollar bill, or a postage stamp on a city sidewalk. It is so small that it seems one would have to go well out of their way to encounter it at all.]

[As the scene fades out, we see Mawry throw a dragonmark Heal on Yazdia, while the two hireling soulstones spin and twine in the tiny, tiny trap]

[the dark narrator returns]

A trap can be more than the sum of its spears. To a hireling, it can loom larger than life, a veritable cornucopia of everything the hireling is, or was, or wants to be. To a hireling, it is not just a trap.

It is the trap that cannot be resisted.

[music swells]

[credits roll]

πŸ™‚ πŸ˜€ πŸ™‚

  7 Responses to “The Trap That Could Not Be Resisted”

Comments (7)
  1. πŸ™‚ I have noticed this many times before as well.. the hirelings just have to stand in the trap.

  2. That was awesome πŸ˜€

    We’ve role played our cleric hirelings in guild before now – you just have to imagine it with a thick (er.. strong, not stupid) Yorkshire accent:

    Heystack: Do you think we should heal them?
    Kiln: nope

  3. very nicely written

  4. very well done, but you forgot to show that their bars were set on do nothing and stand still, thus ensuring that they try to do something and run around…

  5. Brilliant πŸ˜€

  6. Thank god for the screen shots, their actual comments in game, as appearing above them, are absolutely Hilarious! It’s as if Turbine knows and plans on thus happening! It’s Glorious!

  7. OMG, I can’t stop laughing! *Awesome* post! I’ve never really roleplayed my hires before, but I have a sudden urge to pick up a whole party of Gold Seals and run elite Pit at level. πŸ˜€

What do you think?

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