Jun 302014

In Favor of Pants
With Purple Pantaloons? Or without?

Before launching today’s diatribe, I must first take a moment to point out that I am completely in favor of things like chainmail bikinis. Really. I am what they used to call the typical red-blooded American male. Now they just call me hetero. Or more commonly Geoff, I am rarely referred to by my gender preferences.*

I realize how silly this is getting but I am trying to establish something here. I really, really like the female form.

I felt that I needed to establish my bona fides before diving into this discussion. Because I am about to argue in favor of adding more cloth and less flesh to at least some of the female armor kits.

  • Not because I am a prude
  • Not because I am religious
  • Not because I am worried about the children

Because once you get below the waist, there are some ridiculous looking armor kits. Loot at the image at the top of this article again, on the right side. Ignore the weird shadowing on Ejecta’s abs, I have no idea what was going on with that (and didn’t have time to remove them, they came from the screenshot like that), focus on the pants. Except they are not pants, they are chaps? Flaps? Metalline panty hose? Some sort of kilted panels that work their way down the thigh until they meet armored thighboots?

This does not even look like a thing. And I should point out that this particular armor kit is one of the better looking sets; some of them have plates and spikes that are seemingly glued to the wearer’s leg, sprouting out of what appears to be otherwise unaltered flesh.

There is a whole other set of arguments against the chainmail bikini that has to do with practicality. But I am unmoved by these arguments. This is a fantasy game; my character defeats physics with a no-minimum-level Feather Fall item. Reality is irrelevant.

This is simply about what looks good versus what doesn’t. Check out the image at the top of the page again. Note the version on the left side of the image, one with hand-crafted Purple Pantaloons that I forged in the mines of Photoshop.* Which one looks better? Left or right? Note again that I am not asking which one looks more realistic, nor am I asking which one looks more like it ought to be in a game that children play. I am simply asking, which looks better?

* Really I used The Gimp but Photoshop fit better, dramatically and grammatically. But to anyone who cares The Gimp does amazing things and is free.

I don’t think there is much of a contest. The Purple Pantaloons look better. A lot better.

I am unaware of a true chainmail bikini anywhere in DDO. There are bikini tops, like the one Ejecta is wearing above, and one set of armor that appears to be bikini bottoms, garters, and thigh-highs (Cormyrian Light Green Dragonscale), but none that have both at the same time. Which is a shame, there ought to be. Not because I am a perv, or at least not just because of that reason, but because it is an iconic look; Red Sonja existed in publication before Tolkien!

While admitting to a certain level of immaturity (yes, I especially liked the Succubi in Diablo) and sometimes even a lot of immaturity (yes my character in Age of Conan was female and always naked), I am not calling for the full bikini in DDO. I wouldn’t mind it, and if it existed, I would probably put it on one of my characters (but not Mawry, a bikini is insufficiently Commando-like. Not even if it was  a camouflage bikini. Where would one put all the knives and ropes and so forth?). But the game goes on just fine without it.

However, this half-and-half mishmash where the armor artists attempt to inject the feel of the chainmail bikini while throwing on enough non-bikini accoutrement to placate the squeamish is just silly and really should stop. Either go with the bikini or don’t but please stop trying to do both at the same time.

An awesome chainmail bikiniAn awesome set of full-body plate-and-chainmail

These both look great! I would happily put either one on any of my characters (except Mawry and the bikini but we’ve already covered that). So let’s have them, both of them. But not at the same time. It just doesn’t work. Pick one and go with it. Then, pick the other and go with that too.

I spend a lot of time staring at the screen, watching these little avatars of mine running and jumping and battling and emoting. I care how they look. Males and females (and maybe we should have a chainmail speedo for the males?).

Count me as one enthusiastic vote for the full-on chainmail bikini! And another enthusiastic vote for head-to-toe metal!

Or am I just getting carried away? Again? Like always?

🙂 😀 🙂

  9 Responses to “Armor? Chaps? Metalline Panty Hose?”

Comments (9)
  1. This may be the video version of the cartoon strip you linked 😀

  2. Well, no DDO to play so… I’m behind Geoff 100% on this!

    My armour preferences may differ slightly, and I prefer elves, yet I sometimes go out of my character’s way to find armour that looks good (good is subjective, and even the opinions of Bob may not represent Bob’s opinions). Of course this sometimes means I’m not wearing Heavy Fort.[sic] when I should be, or I’m too busy dancing, when I should be stabbing… Priorities, after all!

    I’ve only ever bought 1 appearance kit (whatever they are called), from the DDO Store, and I almost never turn it on. 90% or more of them really aren’t any better than the random loot appearances (especially when Elven Chainmail, Darkleaf/Darkweave were in the loot tables…).

    Please Turbine, Warner, the Sovereign Host, the Dark Six(???), et al, make Geoff a chainmail bikini outfit (and some darkleaf fullplate, hint-hint)!

  3. Yup! Good call! Eberron was a more believable place back when… I miss the regional, racial, other-materials armour. I hate the “systems” tiered, world-crossing porridge of the current armour. I’d leave it all to erase the day the Dark Leaf left.

  4. Hmmm thought I replied that last reply to the Bob! Sry bouts thatz. But Geoff! Reality irrelevant? Oh my goodness I can not believe your “weave a spell of relevance” didn’t auto-correct you on that one. No matter, Luedwig is here to set your post aright; Reality is in fact(hehe) the most relevant of ….arguments? Situationals? Beginnings? Stop, breath, toggle the epiphany switch to “open”. Long ago a magical man of some importance happened to observe a falcon dive from the heavens to strike a dove on the wing. The dove plummeted all floppy scarlet to the ground but the magical man barely noticed. His eyes were fixed upon the cloud of carnage at the point of impact. Feathers, soft and fluffy, floating slowing down, down and dancing on little breezes that might have gone unnoticed if not for a falcon, the need to feed it’s young and a dove.
    “Feathers!” The magical man exclaimed and whispered in observation; “How softly they fall to the ground. I shall craft me a band of leather that any one might where no matter their birth or achievements in life. And to that simple band of leather I shall bind the enchantment of Feather Falling.”
    I now restate my belief that reality IS the MOST relevant of all. Oh, and yes. You’re Gimped version is by far the nicer Realer armour. 🙂

    • Dang it! Got my Starbucks and now that I’m awake and proof reading I see nasty syntaxy-gramma boo-boos. Is it possible to fix reply text? ie. a falcon needing to feed it’s young and a dove is kinda confusing and you’re Gimped vs. your gimped… can we purchase actual IQ points with Turbine points or is it just a matter of self-discipline and hard work? Commendations?

  5. My thoughts reflect yours, Geoff. Some look wonderfully fantastic, some make little sense artistically. My new Swashbuckler has a nice looking short shirt glamer since a lot of light armor looks terrible, but even it has this open-midriff look that should realistically say, “Hit me here!” rather than showing a nice mix of fashion and suggested defense.

  6. i just went with the shadowfell regalia on my swashbuckler.. and have it on a couple of alts too, its a pretty nice looking one.

  7. Although I never really pay too much attention to how my characters look, I definitely understand the frustration for those that do. I have had a number of guildies complaining about the variety of available looks they can get and how none appeal to them because of what you have noticed. Guess we’ll see if we every get that chainmail bikini!!

  8. The bottom pic looks like Ellen from the first two ‘kingdom under fire’ games on xbox.

What do you think?

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