Apr 272011

Like anyone armed with a sense of appropriateness and irony, I was a bit skeptical when I first came across the idea of D&D-based perfumes. “Skeptical” may be underplaying it, the whole concept is instantly ridiculous: I set my Mockery Projector to Full Stun and followed the link to Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs.

It smells like this
I’m a sucker for any artwork that includes a D20

But instead I found a sweet paean to role playing that was entirely true to itself, utterly lacking of commercialism or snark, decorated with earnestly appealing hand-crafted art, and to cap it all off, a dedication to the perfumer’s parents who taught her to play D&D.

Hard to mock that.

Yet, it remains a bunch of perfumes apparently themed to represent Dungeons and Dragons. I’m attaching the list. Chortle or not as you see fit.

Racial Odors

  • DWARF: Iron filings and chips of stone, Styrian Golding hops, and soot-covered leather
  • ELF: Pale golden musk, honeycomb, amber, parma violet, hawthorne bark, aspen leaf, forest lily, life everlasting, white moss, and a hint of wild berry
  • HALF-ELF: White sandalwood, beeswax, white tea leaf, oud, and a hint of sophisticated urban musk
  • HALFLING: Porridge, kukui nuts, and pastry crumbs
  • ORC: Field grey courgette musk, roughly cured leather, and vetiver

I think they typed “halfling” but meant “hobbit” cause that is one lame-o Shire-inspired set of ingredients right there. Where’s the dino-hide and weapon oil? Porridge? Gag me — Mawry Haversack

Class Scents

  • CLERIC: Rose amber, frankincense, myrrh, champaca flower, Peru balsam, cistus, palisander, cananga, hyssop, and narcissus absolute
  • FIGHTER: Leather, musk, blood, and steel
  • MAGE: All mystique and thrumming power: gurjum balsam, Sumatran dragon’s blood resin, olibanum, galangal, oleo gum resin, and frankincense
  • RANGER: Untamed wilderness: buckskin accord with Terebinth pine, Russian birch, black ironwood, elder bark, hay, armoise, juniper, patchouli, galangal root, Spanish moss, and cabreuva
  • PALADIN: Immaculate white musk, sweet frankincense, bourbon vanilla, white leather, and shining armor
  • ROGUE: Soft, well-worn black leather, hemp, and rosin

Is it “Cleric”? Or “Hot Priestess”? Some of us clerics are male! And by “male” I mean “full-on burly badass!” — Brymn Haversack

Eau De Alignment

  • NEUTRAL: A flawless skin musk
  • LAWFUL: Rigid oak, blue chamomile, rhubarb, and fig leaf
  • CHAOTIC: A whirling mélange of multicolored musks with wasabi, rooibos, heliotrope, and mastic
  • GOOD: Shimmering celestial musk with vanilla, white honey, acacia, and sugar cane
  • EVIL: Smouldering opium tar, tobacco absolute, green tea, black plum, kush, ambergris accord, ambrette seed, and costus root

We need one that smells like money — Coin Serf

  4 Responses to “Omnisniffiscence? D&D Perfumes (and I am not kidding)”

Comments (4)
  1. ‘sophisticated urban musk’ ??? Guess that matches the 5 o’clock shadow…

  2. That’s pretty awesome. At $17.50 a bottle they’re not ridiculously priced (as perfumes go), but that’s definitely too much for me to indulge my urge to collect the whole set!

  3. Waiting for the day when I can say ” I smell something evil here” 🙂

  4. What?! No gnome scent called ‘Smell My Finger’? I has a sad.

What do you think?

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